Prior to his birth, my mind wondered into territories of the abstract, thinking about the criteria that this child would have to fulfill in order for me to fully love him...or her, as the case was. Weighing on my mind was the unsettling thought that perhaps there’s a chance that I won’t love this person- or moreover even like it. I would find myself going back and forth about silly things like; will I love it more if it’s a boy, or a girl? Will I love it more if it is born bald, or what if it has a thick reddish fro like Orphan Annie? What if my child did in fact have a cleft lip, which at one point was deemed a possibility by some specialists. “What if?” Echoed in my head like the pummeling of a racquetball in the small square court like confines of my brain.
And then he was born. This blue, slimy, creature slides out from what was previously his home for the past nine months (ten technically.) He was a hybrid of Golem, ET, and a collagen injected Smurf. Yet, there in my latex gloved hands and in his most repulsive, disgusting, state- I fell in love. There is no “what if?”
Everyday my love for this kid grows exponentially. It’s indescribable, really. And with this love, already comes the sad thoughts of the day where this little boy will shy away from my kisses. When he won’t let me kiss him all over his face, his lips, eyebrows, ears, hands and feet. The day he won’t be at my disposal to pick up and hug whenever I want. Where on my shoulder wont be his first choice of places to lay his head.
“Welcome to parenthood, son.” I hear some avuncular voice sounding from a far off celestial plane, or maybe just in the small square confines of my brain. And though I’m at the very beginning stages of parent-hood, I feel I am finally beginning to understand it. Understand what makes this kind of love different than anything else human being experience. I’m thankful to be given the opportunity.
(Wow, sappy enough for ya?)
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2 comments:
I sorta know how you feel. I just got a new Palm Pilot that I love.
Keep up the writing. Love it!
Dear Joel, Natalie, and of course, Killian,
Kasey told me about Killian's blog site and I've been voyeuristically (is that a woid?)enjoying watching YOU enjoy that little one so recently sent from Heaven. It's very true that you really don't get how much a parent loves their child until your own child arrives...or how protective you feel toward your own child. I remember some jerk telling me that Kasey shouldn't be allowed out in public because she was in the midst of a tantrum (hard to believe). I also would have liked to drop-kick THAT interfering ignoramus.
How sweet it is to see you, Joel, as a Daddy. I told Kasey that I remember when you and Natalie were at the house for some party and you had Natalie on your back - I think she had just jumped on, whatever, but I remember thinking, "He loves her. This is the one." Funny, now there's a little person in the world because of that love.
There's something coming in the mail for Killian - and no, it's not the hospital bill - I hope you like it. Maybe someday I'll get to meet Killian Joseph Kling. Hugs for the memories,
Marilyn
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