The Journey of Killian J. Kling: February 2008

So, I guess CO2 is pretty bad for our environment and our collective health as a species. Sure, the heating of the Earth really sucks, but I’m not sure I’d classify it as THE inconvenient truth of our times. And by our times, I really just mean mine. Cue chunk of Ice burg falling into ocean. No, I feel if we’re going to attach a definite article to something, it belongs to an inconvenience much smaller in size and global awareness. This menace goes by the name Killian Joseph Kling. Talk about the end of the world, as you know it. CO2, though nasty, doesn’t even rate on my inconvenience meter as much as this little man does on an hourly basis. To prove this theory, I’ve come up with a list of questions to ponder in order to point out that in comparison, CO2 emissions are a walk in the park-- a smoggy, hot, foliage free, gross park, but nonetheless an easy task. And though my little list is not as award winning as a Mac PowerPoint presentation that somehow qualifies a documentary film, it does bring to light proven facts, that are undisputable in their…inconvenientness.

1) Does CO2 wake you up three, four, as many as six times a night, needing to suck on your tits?

2) Does CO2 vomit milky fluid on your carpet, or worse your work shirt?

3) Does CO2 fool you into thinking that it has eaten a Cheerio, when in fact it has really just gummed it and then somehow managed to either sit on it or drop it on the rug where it cannot be seen until the next day, by which point it has petrified and become a part of the rug?

4) Does CO2 go through teething phases that cause it to become an irritable, drooling, beastie that has you longing for days far gone where the gentle sucking on your finger was a tender, loving exchange, but is now a painful, slimy experience?

5) Does CO2 have infant Eczema, which causes it to have frequent rash breakouts giving its complexion a look and feel of that of a leper?

6) Does CO2 spit out its cream of carrots when you’re feeding it necessitating the wearing of a feminine apron during feedings?
Sub point a) CO2 requires no feeding at all!

7) Does CO2 somehow manage to make its poop shoot out from all openings in its diaper?
Sub question a) Does CO2 manage to do this multiple times in one day?

8) Does CO2 insist that you carry it around all day, all the time? Seriously, ALL the time, refusing to learn how to transport itself on its own?

9) Does CO2 require not one, but two strollers, one in which the seat detaches and fits into the car, and another which reclines, thus creating a restful environment while “On-the-move?” (not sure if that even made any sense.)

10) Does CO2 pee in your face sometimes?

11) Does CO2 have strangers stopping you and telling you how to care for the CO2 that you are carrying around with you (see question 8)?

12) Does CO2 make it so you can’t go to the movies, dinner, the gym, meetings with your financial advisor, the post office, the strip club, the protest marches…this list can go on and on.

So, which is really more inconvenient-- hmmm… CO2, Killian?--CO2, Killian?--CO2…? Yeah I’m gonna have to go with Killian on this one. However as inconvenient as he most definitely is, he is also THE cutest and most lovable inconvenience I’ve ever known. This is a fact, and it is undisputed. Again, can’t say that for CO2.